Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Life under a dark cloud

I love this blog for so many reasons, I get to share not only our girls and their growth but our life and all things good and "challenging" but just like talking its so therapeutic to simply get it all out. We are facing one of the biggest challenges of our lives right now, opening our home and our lives to someone new. You may think really how hard can that be but in our case its not so simple and on top of everything its such an emotionally involved subject. To overnight have our lives change so dramatically has not been easy, not just because there was no warning so to speak but because this someone is a person we should already know and love and have had in our lives, this is ricks son!!! yet he is almost a stranger... and the reality of that is crushing. The first few days eric was here were jam packed with rick and eric getting things set up and really for me there was little involvement, but as we tackled the first few days of school and our new routine the reality of the change started to sink in along with the thoughts of how on earth did this happen. While we will never understand all that got eric to this point the one thing I can always hold onto is that HE asked for help and that alone is worth any "sacrifices" we may have to deal with. He deserves that chance because he wants it. After the dust settled in moved this "dark cloud". If I could draw worth a crap I would draw our house with me standing at the front door with a huge black cloud over us. The feelings of anger and frustration of the entire situation and the lack of control was crippling for me but being the person I am and having the responsibility of 3 little princesses I felt I HAD to keep going.... and I am sure you have heard the saying "a person can only handle so much", well I have learned it is so true. After desperately trying to process everything and gasping for every breath for 3 days straight paired with this roller coaster of not being able to control the tears a drive through the car wash pushed my body to the absolute limit. In that moment I swore that car wash was coming in to crush me, just thinking about it I can even slightly feel the burning sensation, then the tingling that quickly led to me not being able to feel or move my arms or legs, I felt like I was screaming but couldnt inhale, that there was just this burning in my chest and my hearing felt like I was under water. I could hear rick yelling but was not able to even turn my head to let him know I was in trouble. In the moment I though oh god this must be a seizure, not that I would have any clue what that would be like but I couldnt imagine what else would be that severe. I was in physical and emotional breakdown. I am sure you have guessed that this was infact a massive panic attack. Which I would have said in the past that I have had panic attacks like in high school when I thought I couldnt breathe and my mom would tell me I had heartburn LOL but now I realize that those were minor anxiety. This was the single most scary moment of my life so far. I was fully conscious but completely out of control at the same time. Rick took me to the hospital where he had to leave me...unfortunately all 3 girls were in the car with us so he had to take them home, luckily Carey was able to come over to take care of them. They quickly took me to a room, shoved a pill down my throat that they said would take 20 mins to take effect and left me there to work it out. As my body started to relax I just felt worse and worse thinking I have now failed everyone. Why cant I handle this, I am not the only person to have gone through this. Everyone at mercy gilbert were amazing and didnt treat me like that "crazy" that I felt. They assured me that it was normal and healthy for your body to react to extreme stress that trying to fight emotion like that was so harsh on your body and obviously mine had taken enough. When Rick came back I made sure to remind him that he had yelled at me and that had not been helpful at all LOL poor poor rick, he has been such a rock! So basically after a few hours and a visit from an amazing social worker who after working in CPS for 20 years had alot of great advice for rick and I, off I went home to just get on with life... that damn dark cloud tried to follow me. I am usually not a negative person, I do believe that you can make a choice to be positive and happy and although things can put you to the test you can fight them off. I hated that I felt so down and hated the thoughts in my head I felt like a bad person and how am I ever going to come out of this but I didnt give in and each day got a little better and today I felt like myself again. Optimistic and happy and energetic, already able to laugh at myself.. although I am probably going to be avoiding the car wash for a while ;) I realize this journey that we are on is going to for lack of better words SUCK and it going to be filled with ups and downs but it is part of our life we have been handed this challenge and hopefully we will come out ahead and be better equipped to handle the beast that is the teenage years when its the girls turn. I hope that this was just the initial shock and from here I can be a better support to Rick and our now 6 person family. Eric is going through alot himself but has got off to a good start in school and is figuring out where he fits in at home. Hopefully over time we will all feel more comfortable together and feel more at ease. More than anything I am hoping that Eric realizes his own potential and despite going through the normal teenage "stuff" and everything else he has dealt with that he gets a chance to have happiness in his future. Hey most of us grow up eventually right? LOL phew this was a long one :)
Hmmmm why am I sharing this, other than to prove what you already knew... I really am a loon.... or because maybe you have some crap going on in your life that now doesnt seem so bad now ;) , or maybe you have experienced something like this and you are happy to hear you are not the only one, or maybe just maybe because I am ready to say I am proud of myself for not letting this destroy everything that is our beautiful life and that I am learning to let go just a little more. Liz gilbert said in eat pray love something like "ruin is the road transformation" I will have to leave it at that for now, but not without saying that I have had constant support from my AMAZING husband, I love him, I am so proud of him for the selfless choice he made to give to his son what he has wanted to give all along. My family who rallied even though they knew they couldnt really do anything, my friends who listened and marissa who cried with me it means the absolute world to me! To carey for bringing wine over and saying " I am stressed and I have only been here 5 mins" LOVE YOU to pieces. To Kelly for having keira over to ease my wednesday morning! To my new friend Katy who came into my life at just the right time with a similar story who was a ray of sunshine in my few dark days who kissed my sweaty tear streamed cheek in the preschool parking lot and assured me that we would survive this and the barista at starbucks who reached into my car and grabbed my hand to give it a squeeze to let me know she was there. Those little gestures helped me tell that cloud to F off LOL I am done with that, I have so much goodness around me!!! And now I can get back to spreading it :) xoxoxoxoxox